Over the past month I have been in one of the most exhausting situations I’ve ever experienced!
This is, to me at least, "mildly infuriating". Apologies if the community does not fit this in others opinion.

It’s the incredibly tough position of standing on the sideline, desperately wanting to help someone you love who is drowning in their own mind with trauma and overwhelm in many different ways. All along trying not to drown in your own mind.

Reasoning

I am writing this because I know mental health is a journey many of us are navigating, and I hope someone out there can relate.

The story

My partner deals with a complex mix of ADHD, atypical autism, anxiety, RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) and PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance).
While RSD and PDA are not official diagnosis, it is well-known in people with autism and/or ADHD.
It's also enhanced by trauma in her childhood, where she was, for no apparent reason, taken away from her home.

This means she's physically hurt if people she deeply cares about leaves her, and before she had her diagnoses, her behavior was quite different to what it is now.
This can lead to decisions being based on the wrong foundations, like "it will hurt too much if he leaves me".

On top of that, she carries deep scars from surviving a relationship with a highly controlling and psychologically abusive ex.
Both before me (nearly 12 years ago) and after me too... in the past 11 years, to be precise.

When life gets to be too much, her ultimate defense mechanism kicks in. She pulls away.

We call it "the ostrich".

Why?
Because she hid herself and withdrew completely, without a hint.
She did this as her reasoning was, as mentioned above, "it will hurt too much if he leaves me".

This has, of course, left me with some trauma and scars too.

Anyway.. it all became too much for her, after that birthday party.

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The birthday

The birthday party of her youngest boy forced her to be in the same room as her abusive ex.

This was followed by both her kids falling ill and herself being hit with a severe 41.5°C fever.
Needless to say, this drove her to a meltdown.

Our communication went from 100 to zero overnight, nearly. Complete silence.
At least, that's what it felt like to me.

Obviously not 100% silence, but when you go from getting a text 10 minutes after another (exagerated, yes.. paints a better picture) because you haven't responded, then it feels like complete silence.

This is where my own mental struggles come into play.

My own mental state

While I don't have any formal diagnosis, people often point out that I exhibit autistic traits.
Some even say severe autistic traits.

My brain thrives on

• logic
• predictability
• pattern recognition

And I am very literal when I and others speak or just say something (which is speaking... I know).

So, when a pattern abruptly breaks or stops... like going from daily (more like hourly), loving contact to sudden silence - my internal alarms go off.

On top of that, the silence from her remind me (or rather my internal system) of the pain and misery I was put through so long ago.

All those years ago we and I had a "brief" encounter - a break in her "normal pattern".
A beautiful connection, where she was too overwhelmed and then she disappeared on me without a word.

Gone, just like that. Vanishing into what would become an abusive relationship that lasted for 11 years, on/off..

My nervous system remembers that abandonment vividly.
So, when she goes quiet today, my body doesn't just see a woman who needs rest - it feels like history is repeating itself.
And let me tell you, that is absolutely no fun.

The good side

Fortunately we had actually talked about this when things were calm.
She explicitly told me that if she ever started to pull away, I needed to "hold on tighter".

But the reality of trauma (especially hers/ours) is incredibly complicated.

What does "holding on" mean when the person you love views even a simple text message as an exhausting demand?
How are you supposed to actually hold on? Physically, mentally, or is it some metaphor?

For her, "holding on" right now means that I give her room and space. As in, we have only seen each other just about 2 hours this entire month.

For me, that exact same room/space feels like a life-threatening abandonment, just like all those years ago.

There is one big, BIIIIG difference though. More on that in a bit.

My trauma screams at me to reach out, to establish contact, and to get a (logical) reassurance that she isn't leaving me, like she did back then.

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But she already has given me that. The reassurance, that is.

Breakthrough and differences

In a text, she told me what is going on inside of her. What she's feeling when she's with me and what she has been through, what triggered her disappearance all those years ago, why she felt like she had to leave me, what has drawn us to each other throughout ALL those years, and one of the most important things: what it most definitely will require from me: patience.

She opened up about it all. She even told me, that instead of being honest back then (about panicking because she didn't feel like she deserved being treated so good as I did) she decided to just disappear.

As she mentioned, she has thought about it a lot over the years and since she got her diagnoses confirmed, along with therapy, it has made much more sense as to why she reacted that way.

Heartbreaking read for sure, but this acknowledgement has worked as a huge anchor for me.

Why is that?
Simple.

She has been completely honest with me. A little denial about being in a tough situation at first, but... don't we all do that?

She straight up told me that she feel like digging her own grave and the she feel like she needs to deal with it herself, on her own.

So... despite what it feels like to me, and looks like to the outside world, my logic (or my hope) is telling me:

Insted of running away, disappearing on me or hiding, she has decided to be honest and tell me she feel small, out of order, not enough... she told me, therefore she is not leaving

I actively decide to belive her words as she has also told me, and promised me, that she would tell me if she either ran away or even felt like running away.

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Side effects

Standing on the sidelines of this is agonizing, though. You want to fix it, to comfort her, and to make her feel safe, because... you love her!

At least, that's how it is for me.

But... sometimes you have to accept the painful reality.
And that reality sometimes means that the best way to help someone survive and get through their mental overload is to step back and do absolutely nothing.
This is to avoid them having to spend their (limited) energy managing your anxiety. Carry that yourself, at least until the point where your partner can help you carry it again.

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I am writing this while still standing right in the middle of it.

Not the fever or illness, but she hasn't fully let me back in yet.
It's less than 48 hours ago she told me she needs to deal with it herself - so.. yeah...
right in the middle.

I am still shut out, trying to give her the space she needs while managing my own panic and axiety so I don't push her away.

It is incredibly hard, and I struggle with it because... again, all I want is to help her.
And she will never ever be a lesser person in my eyes, regardless of how chaotic or messed up she think her head is.

I want her, with everything she brings.

I'm sure some of you have been (or maybe even cyurrently are) in the same position as I am.

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And so I ask you this:

How do you support a partner who isolates to survive, without letting your own fear of abandonment take over?
What can I do to navigate this better and make her feel safe - but only when she is ready?

I would deeply appreciate hearing your experiences and advice.

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Thank you for reading this, despite it being so incredibly long.
Apologies for that.

I even left out certain things to keep it shorter!

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alright flux'in