RE: Trauma on trauma (and more)
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Ok really hard question first. She's not interested in someone else? Not trying to add to your issue just a straight up question. The first part of her not wanting you to come by job etc is questionable to me. But, If there's not.
Being single for a long time it really made me independent. So it was hard in the beginning to let Doug help me with certain issues. I was single for over 10 years before I met Doug. We had a rough few first years but managed to get thru it.
First he went thru a depression because he lost his girlfriend of 14 years. She passed away. I felt like I was in competition with a ghost. I struggled with that. Not that he was intentionally trying to make me feel that way. But he got so depressed and couldn't bounce back from it. So, I finally had to be honest and tell him. He never meant for me to feel that way and I grew to accept he loved me too. Doug and I don't hardly argue.. Which is another thing. Seems my past relationships have always had arguing in it. So I felt by not fighting he didn't care... Crazy huh. Which again, we talked and over the years he's calmed me down. I'm not nearly as ready to jump as I once was.
But if I'm honest here my whole life if I felt a certain way I'd just leave. I left home before I was ready..Hitchhiked across the country as a teenager, left 2 husbands. But with Doug I WANTED to be different. I was tired of running. I tell you all of this because Doug has patiently waited on me. Although I was here physically sometimes emotionally we weren't on the same page. I'm his person and I know that and he's mine. Far as what you should do.. I really can't answer that. When I feel like I'm being pressured I don't like it and have had tendencies to pull away. But I don't want to feel abandoned either.
What concerns me about your situation is the secrecy about coming by where she works. BUT I've always had jobs where that was ok long as it wasn't for long and wasn't interfering with work. Dealing with issues by oneself is one thing ..cutting them out is different.
Anyways, I'm sorry your going thru all this and I do wish you the best and hang in there. It is possible to get thru. Doug and I've been together since 2009 and I truly don't know what I'd do without him now. He's my heart.
Tough question, but I don't see any signs of it.
Her work is her pride. That's her getaway.
When we dated 11 years ago (closer to 12), she felt that she didn't deserve my kindness, it made her uneasy due to trauma and she left before I could leave her.. it would hurt too much for her. Shortly after she was with someone else. This lasted for close to 11 years, with a few attempts of leaving.
She's not secretive in general, she just don't like being interrupted at work. I think she feels like that's where she has her value. She doesn't see herself as being worth very much, unfortunately. I think it's her traumas talking.. like she has been programmed to think she's not worth anything.
Anyway, this time around she is more aware of what's going on inside her. And I find strength in the fact that she has told me that the comfort she feels when she is around me is very unusual for her, and it basically makes her feel uneasy. She is learning how to be in it and stay in it. She likes the calm I bring to her system, but to her it feels like it's a trap. Like we are going to war any second.
I wish she could see through my eyes, and just... enjoy it. Which she does, but with a nagging feeling it will stop, and I will snap at her at some point.
I guess it just takes time to make her realise that this is what it is and she can relax, she can be herself without being punished.
!BBH !ALIVE !HEARTBEAT !SLOTH
Yes, it will take time. But it'll be worth it! That's my opinion based on my own experiences. I wish y'all the best!
Since the very first time I laid my eyes on her, she has been my dream girl.
In our reconnection, just over a month after we had found each other again, she told me it hurt her to think that she had lost 11 years with me. That, along with other quotes from her, makes me think that this time is our time.
I have no doubt that it will be worth it, no matter how hard this challenging time is and how long it will last.
So many signs that her and I are meant to be, despite everything we have been through.
!BBH !ALIVE !HEARTBEAT !SLOTH
One thing I do know is if it's meant to be it will be. But it requires work from both of you. Give her time yes but don't allow too much distance that it becomes the new normal. If you know what I mean.
I know what you mean. And I am very aware of that.
Thank you for your extremely valuable insights, I deeply appreciate it 🫶🏼
!BBH !ALIVE !HEARTBEAT !SLOTH
Best wishes for y'all🤗